Just before Mother's Day, I shared about the stillbirth of our daughter. And I've been silent on the subject since then.... She's been on my mind a lot lately (probably because my due date with Son #3 is drawing closer) and I thought I would share the story of events surrounding her entrance to heaven.... Our loss is her gain!
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| Photo editing by Nancy R Smith Photography - an affiliate photographer with nilmdts.org |
On Wednesday, May 12, 2010, (at 38 weeks) I went for a routine doctor visit. Everything appeared normal and Dr. K got a nice strong heartbeat. I was 3 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Very routine for me. I had done this with both boys. Soon after this point with both boys my water broke at home and I went into labor. I was expecting the same thing to happen this time. That night, however, I was awake from approximately 1:30 a.m. - 6:00 a.m (off and on) with contractions. Nothing regular enough to get concerned about but surprisingly strong. Around 6 a.m., they abruptly stopped. I thought this odd but continued to monitor through the day. One here and there is all. Some movement from the baby but not much. (I now suspect that I was not feeling 'real' movement. The doctor said it is common to think you are feeling movement but it is the baby moving with your movement.) Thursday evening the contractions became a little more frequent but not regular. I was puzzled because this is not normal for me. I was also running a low-grade fever and feeling achy and very low. I called the doctor's office because I felt something wasn't right. I did not get my 'regular' doctor but a doctor on call who told me that the flu was going around and I probably just caught the bug. I wasn't totally happy with his answer but short of going to the emergency room (which I felt was over-reacting), I didn't have any other option. So, I determined to call my doctor in the morning and make an appointment for Friday. I didn't want this uncertainty all weekend. I called the office as soon as they opened in the morning (after a very sleepless, worried night) and was given an appointment for 10:15 a.m..
By this time, I wasn't feeling movement and was pretty concerned. Still, it did not enter my mind that the baby was dead. The nurse practitioner that saw me couldn't get a heartbeat on the doppler and moved me to the ultrasound room. It was at this point that I felt a great heaviness - I knew in my heart that she was gone. (We knew it was a girl.) I held a very small hope that the ultrasound would show something positive. Lori (the NP) was unable to find a heartbeat but hurried to assure me that the Doctor needed to look at it. She went to get her from surgery. Dr. K confirmed what I already knew in my heart. Little Alexis Kate was gone. The doctor also told me something very puzzling - I had no amniotic fluid. (Indicative of a birth defect of some sort.) I was puzzled because I knew my water hadn't 'broken'. Where did it go? At this point, Dr. K. suspected an infection of some kind (because of my fever) and that the baby had some sort of birth defect causing her to swallow the amniotic fluid but not urinate it (the normal cycle of amniotic fluid).
NOTHING can prepare you for the sight of a still heart on the ultrasound monitor. I remember mentally begging God to please make it move - to start beating again. But that was not His plan. I went numb. The only way to cope at this point was to go into 'fact mode'. What do we do from here? What is the plan for delivery, etc. Dr. K. called my husband and briefly explained to him what happened. I then got on the phone and begged him to come NOW! He came right away.
Meanwhile, I was wheeled to a hospital room. (The doctor's office is attached to the hospital.) Preparations were made for an induction. Calls were made to family. Many prayers began to ascend. At 5:03 p.m. our little girl was stillborn. Family and friends (some who have been through this very thing) began arriving at the hospital offering comfort and support. Throughout the evening we were continually surrounded with loving support. What a blessing! We were allowed to keep Alexis in our room and she was lovingly held the entire time.
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| Her sweet little hands... |
The doctor's explanation of the probable cause of death - the cord was around her little neck. When I was having contractions it was slowly 'suffocating' her due to no amniotic fluid to give her buoyancy. The probable reason for no amniotic fluid is Down Syndrome. We did not have genetic testing done but she exhibited visual signs. (One crease in the hand, small, low-set ears, protruding tongue, etc.) We know that God is in control. Likely her life, had she lived, would have been a difficult one and God wanted to spare her. Knowing this did not make our shock and grief any easier to bear. We would have loved her just the same. This experience has, among other things, caused us to hold closer the 2 healthy children God has given us. We are praying for the safe arrival of her brother mid-December. We really wanted another girl (not that we could ever replace her!) but God saw fit to bless us with another boy. Several of the blogs I follow are written by the mom's of all boys. I love their prospective.
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| Photo by Ginny Ley - an affiliate photographer with nilmdts.org |
I was going to share some pictures of her memorial but since this post has gotten rather lengthy, I will share them in a separate post tomorrow. I do want to share the poem my husband wrote and read at her memorial:
It was a bright, sunny day
On the fourteenth of May.
I said to my boys
“What do we do today?”
As we worked in the shop,
Mixed feelings a lot.
Mommy drove herself in
For an appointment at ten.
Would I soon
Be a Daddy again?
That life-changing call
Came in ‘round eleven.
No heartbeat. No movement.
In unbelief, I cried.
As quick as I could,
I rushed to her side.
Her eyes told the story
Filled with anguish and pain.
Was this all real?
I wondered again
Then at 5:03, I cut the cord,
But Alexis Kate
was already with the Lord.
Born on wings of love
To Heaven above,
Her Saviours face to see.
As for us here below,
God’s grace He bestows
Let us ever be faithful to Him.
When He calls us some day
To that Home far away,
Our loved ones;
their faces we’ll see.
~ written by Daddy
You may have noticed I reference two different photographers from the nilmdts organization. Ginny is local and came to the hospital and took pictures for us. Nancy saw my Mother's Day post and generously offered to edit one of my favorite snapshots. The nilmdts (now I lay me down to sleep) organization is a network of photographers who VOLUNTEER their services to families with stillborn babies. Follow my link to their webpage for more information.
